This article was originally posted on www.drsueandyou.com
It is perfectly normal to feel angry with your ex for using your kids as a weapon to cause you pain. Holding on to this anger, however, will not get you closer to reuniting with your children.
Alienated parents who have difficulty releasing and resolving their anger towards their ex-spouse are less successful in reunifying with their children. We often think that our anger is necessary to drive us to better results. More often than not, anger blocks us from full clarity.
Stop and think about this for a minute. Becoming stressed, irritable and obsessed with hurting your ex, takes an enormous amount of energy on your part to sustain. Holding this anger takes away the energy that you could be giving to other parts of your life.
Letting go of your anger towards your ex-spouse frees up your energy to make better choices. It is the key to opening up your life again, moving forward and creating an atmosphere when you can make a healthy attempt towards reuniting with your children. When we chose to leave anger behind, we let go of the fantasy that the person who hurt us will change or see things in our way. We give up the fantasy that they actually have remorse.
Here are 4 ways you can begin to let go of your anger towards your ex-spouse to have a healthy chance of reuniting with your children:
1. Accept the loss: Many people following a break-up do not grieve the loss of the relationship. You need time to process the feelings attached to the loss. Although difficult, do not deny your feelings.
2. Have some compassion: Hurting other people does not make you hurt less. If someone has hurt you do not jump to judgment, instead look at their history. They probably were mistreated by someone else in their own lives and are repeating this pattern with you. When we focus on the bad behavior and what the person did to us, we naturally feel angry.
3. Work towards forgiveness: Forgiveness does not mean that you accept one’s behavior. It means giving up your wish for revenge. Forgiveness gives you the freedom to open up your world to new ideas and actions that you may not have considered before.
4. Do not engage in the anger: If your ex-spouse is angry with you, don’t engage back. When you begin to argue with your ex-spouse, you give them power over your emotions. A truly resentful ex will take advantage of this misstep. Do not add to the drama.
In my parent coaching practice, I have seen firsthand how successful alienated parents are in reuniting with their children once anger has been released. Releasing the anger helps them to focus on what is most important; their children. Remember, letting go does not mean you forget the pain your ex has caused in your life. It simply means that it is not going to guide your future. Letting go of the pain from your past will propel you to a brighter future.
About Dr. Sue
Dr. Sue Cornbluth is a nationally recognized parenting expert in high conflict parenting situations. She has been named “Top Advocate and Professor for Human Rights”. She is a regular mental health contributor for an array of networks and television shows such as NBC, FOX, and CBS. Dr. Sue has also contributed to several national publications. Her new best-selling book, “Building Self Esteem in Children and Teens who are Adopted or Fostered” is available now.
To learn more about Dr. Sue, visit DrSueandYou.com